Ten Things White Chicks Has Taught Me About Life

1. Assumptions make an ass out of you and me. White Chicks opens with brother detectives Marcus and Kevin Copeland deep undercover as two Hispanic convenient storeowners. While undercover the two detectives are looking to catch drug dealers posing as ice cream men in the middle of a transaction. When three men in the appropriate attire enter the store, the brothers go through a ridiculously funny charade before they beat the crap out of the three guys, only to find out the buckets of ice cream are actually filled with ice cream and not drugs. Next, thing you know the real drug dealers walk in, see the mess, fire off a couple shots and get away. People are always so quick to assume things about situations and other people without really getting to the root of it, whether they’re good or bad. This scene taught me to investigate more before I jump to conclusions, especially if there’s the possibility of losing my job.

2. Men tune you out when you speak for long periods of time so keep it short and concise. After a long disappointing day on the job, Marcus comes home to an angry wife who proceeds to tell him how awful he is at managing the time he spends with her and how he can’t seem to keep any of the promises he makes her. While his wife continues to express her feelings to him he starts to dose off and eventually falls asleep. In general, most men tend to have short attention spans when it comes to a woman’s feelings, so the best time to share your unhappiness with your significant other is not late at night after he had a tiring day at work, which unfortunately could be everyday. If you’re going to talk to your significant other, make it concise and sweet, that way they don’t have enough time to tune you out.

3. BFs are dangerous so get out of the way. A lot of times when you do something to irritate or upset a woman she gets this look on her face, this very scary look. Her eyebrows furrow and there is an unwavering crease in the middle of her forehead and the expression in her eyes says, “I’m going to murder you, painfully slow.” Or maybe that’s just what I look like. Either way, in White Chicks when the Copeland’s have to pick up two heiresses from the airport and end up in a car crash soon after, they decide to take a little break at the nearest hotel. After the girls see their “hideous scars” they get extremely mad and insist they won’t leave the hotel to go to the Hamptons. So, one of them warned they were going to have a BF, better known as a Bitch Fit. Bitch Fits are extremely dangerous. People threaten to report you to your boss and in that moment all they see is red. If you don’t want to get hurt the best thing to do is get out of sight. One time I made the mistake of getting in my sister’s way during one of her BFs, and that got me thrown into a wall. After watching White Chicks that never happened again.

4. If no one’s around when you say something bad it negates the badness. While driving in a car, undercover as two heiresses, with a couple of friends a rap song comes on and the two detectives bust out the lyrics. As they lose themselves in the music, they drop a very derogatory term. The other girls immediately stop the music and scream, “Guys, I can’t believe you just said that.” In response they say, “So…? Nobody’s around.” After that they all start singing the lyrics. You may know a word is bad, or you may do something bad, but if no one’s there to hear or see it, is it really bad? It’s like the tree falling in the woods conundrum. Does it really make a sound if no one’s there to hear it?

5. There’s nothing a long drive and a Vanessa Carleton song can’t fix. How many of you instantly feel better when you hear Vanessa Carleton’s A Thousand Miles. According to Dr. Quentin Chen of Australia studies have shown that music therapy combats stress and anxiety, and can be four to eight times more effective than tranquilizers. After seeing this movie, this song automatically put a smile on your face. And if you haven’t seen this movie, watch it now. Afterwards immediately go for a drive and put A Thousand Miles on—then you’ll know.

6. Grunting makes you run faster. When Kevin’s purse gets stolen in the movie a wild goose chance ensues. At first it seems like the thief will get away, but then Kevin starts to grunt and magically his body is propelled forward. According to greatist.com a great tip to running faster is perfecting one’s breathing. The key is to “use both the nose and mouth when inhaling and exhaling to get the maximum amount of oxygen to the muscles.” When I play lacrosse people usually comment on how quick I am, and no it’s not because of some mystical extra ligament. I have a secret. I channel Kevin from White Chicks and quietly grunt under my breath and voila—I’m like a panther.

7. Everyone is body conscious. When I saw this movie I was a little on the chunky side—scratch that, I was really on the chunky side. But, it was okay because I was still at the age when people found it adorable. It was when I got older and the fat didn’t go away that people started to tell me otherwise. Either way, in the movie a stick thin girl named Lisa goes dress shopping and has a violent mental break down because she feels fat in everything she tries on. I remember looking at her, thinking how can someone so thin be so self-conscious, and I realized no matter what size you are, on some level you’re going to be self conscious about your body. According to an article on dosomething.org 91% of women are unhappy with their bodies and resort to dieting. This insecurity is often due to how women are portrayed in the media, and most of that isn’t even realistic, it’s photo shopped. Only 5% of women posses the body type often promoted in the media.

8. Be suspicious/weary of drinks that sizzle oddly. After Marcus puts his/her drink on the table in a nightclub, his/her date drops a couple of suspicious pills into his/her cocktail causing it to sizzle. I’m sure many of you, especially girls even though it happens to boys too, have been told to never put a drink down at a party and pick it up. There’s a reason for that. It’s estimated that 75% of rapes are all date or acquaintance rapes.

9. Labels are expensive and “important.” Before this movie I had no clue what Prada or Gucci or Louis Vuitton were, but I quickly learned. I learned that we live in a society where the labels you wear categorize your supposed “wealth and importance.” In the movie Marcus spends a five thousand dollars on an arbitrary dress for a dinner party because Oscar de la Renta is printed on the label.

10. One must never give up. Arguably the most significant lesson I learned, or lesson that was reintroduced to me was the importance of never giving up. Even after getting fired from their jobs, Kevin and Marcus are determined to fulfill their previous duties and find justice in catching the enemy. And that persistence eventually gets them their jobs back. I’m not advising you to return to your job to prove a point if you’ve been fired, but it goes to show that perseverance will get you places.

Picture courtesy of http://www.1061thecorner.com


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