I Carry Your Heart

By Amari D. Pollard

I have this thing where I spending hours flipping through old family photos. It’s a dangerous thing, that photo flipping. One minute it’s one o’clock, and the next minute I’m being called down for dinner at seven. It’s also dangerous because while I’m looking at photo after photo a gaping whole takes residence in my stomach and this feeling of nostalgia keeps on expanding with increasing intensity. Seeing my parents at my age, young and full of innocent hope for the future; my grandpa much alive and smiling with his children; my sister holding me tight with all the love of a brand new big sister. It makes me wish we could all go back, that we all had more time.

Where did it go?

Today, I stumbled upon this picture, one of my favorites. It was taken of my sister and I at Niagara Falls four summers ago.

So much has happened in the last four years. My sister successfully made it through Cornell, and now has a stable job. I successfully made it through high school, and will now be entering my sophomore year at college in the fall.

We’ve grown up. And I am so proud of her, and of myself. I think we turned out pretty well [thanks mom and dad]; but I also know I turned out pretty well because I had a sister like her.

Growing up is hard, not just because it means becoming an adult and doing adult things like paying the bills, but also because life sometimes takes you in different directions.

But moving apart doesn’t have to mean growing apart.

I may not be able to see my sister everyday [sometimes that’s a good thing] but she is still always here for me. Now she’s just a phone call or text or four hour drive away. And I know if I ever needed her for something, she would speed all the way here.

She deals with all my foolishness and quirkiness, and laughs with me and trusts me, and manages to understand me while still wanting to know more. And although we try to talk to each other everyday, even if it’s just a “How you doing,” I miss her so much.

Bri, I just wanted to say thank you for being my best friend, my role model, my big sister. We may fight sometimes, but I can always feel your love. And I am so grateful to be able to say that you are one of my constants in a world of inconsistency.

This goes out to you:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)

i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

 

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

 

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

 

—E.E. Cummings

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